STACIES JOURNEL

changed acounts- www.livejournal.com/users/blooded_knife :)!

cya all around x

MY EYES ARE TURNING GREEN! omg omg omg omg! how cool.

well, i was lookin in the mirror and all the way round the outside they rnt just green they r bright green, my freind says eyes can change colour- i really want mine to cus i love green eyes lmao, but only bright green cus they r so cool.

Anyways- beth pointed it put so it MUST be true

xxxx

i dont no what to say- i am not in a opening up way, or spirtual mood, or antyhing. just factuel. And the facts are harriet doesnt love me anymore and doesnt want me as a freind.

my few days.


Irony: when i silt my wrists on monday, with tht fod tech nife, it was probably the most sterile and clean object ever- i hadnt used it, and it was clean! So typically its all manky and infected. Amy was bathing them at lunch today for me, shes cool.

pouring out my problems: yesturday ollie notcied i was kinda upset or down, and i was like i am i am fine or whatever but she dint belive me, so she made me txt her- this is sum1 who thinks i am crazy and happy. I told her stuff- and she wrote me like a 3 a4 page letter, and a little book with nice things and meanings and sayings and things. If anyones going to help me- i think it might be her- shes older, shes kinda been through it- and shes like full of optomisum!


Angryness: I been egnoring (kinda) harriet for the past week, becuase whatever she says seems to anoy me, cus like.....argh like little things. So shes sulking even MORE, which makes me even ANGRIER. Katie and me were talking, and harriet, beth, helen and amy were on the bench oposite. She gave me the envelope from ollie, and we were tlking sirious, and harriet went to the loo, beth just had to come over and be anoying, so when katherine fliped at her she went all moody and sulky- she is so immature at times. Not everything involves arguments!

adam: nuf said.

stace x

ARGH- i am tooooooo tierd to explain.

But basically harriet and bath, and helen, and amy, and willow all came round mine for a sleep over. He he. Me and amy went to sleep at 6, cus we watched this reeeeeeally long film and eveyone else fell asleep. It was awsome *yarwns*

i am confuzled as to where i stand with harriet though- shes my best frteind but somtimes she doesnt even talks to me *blinsk*

omg i am so tierd, i did sum realy blond things tell ya bout it klater

Omg- well, i dunno, tah was all really upset- cus j did summit and it was aparently her fault. But she wouldnt tell me, and just went offline....and shes being all upset and angry. And it makes me upset. Alot... i am so worried for her, and i am scared. Now i wish i had said summit to her, i dunno- like that clamed her down. I am such a failure- why cant i have better skills- why can i make people happy.

I amm so worried and scared for tah now- cus like i love her so much, i feel sick

stace x

Ok i was gunan say- but got distracted about last nite *gos high*

OK so:

Evereyone knows i have this mega crush on amy- its not a crush, its just...shes so cool he he.

But I was so scared- cus helen wasnt going, cus of a stub thing, but helen diint go. And haz and beth it isnt there seen, and amy personally invited me. WIllz was going too, but she asked amy wether she wanted to go just with me.. and she said yes *blushes*

But i dint no what to wear, and willow cums round just as i was getting scared and made me look AWSOME, i love her so much, she rawks!

And she was cool, and amy knocked and i was like omg, its crazy- i see her everyday at school... i tlk to her everyday at school- but like, it was crazy, but willz was so sweet i was excited more thn anything.

So we got there- through a wood as a detore cus we had time to kill.

And like she didnt go off with anyone seh speant the whole time with me, and we did get quite tipsey, and after a while we decided to go off for a walk and i was FREEZIN, and then we got tlking bout adam n stuff, and i could tlk to her so easily, we went to the park and swang on swings and it was like, 11 o clock lol! it is so weird, we were going really high, and then like. *has to go in a minuet* When we were walking back, she held my hand, but not like we do at school in a different way, and we stopped after a bit cus i dunno what we were tlking bout, but we were giggling a bit and i couldnt control where i was walking, and then. She kissed me- SHE kissed ME i didnt kiss her, and it was so cute. i was like jumping inside, nothing will come of it. If that makes sense, it was more of a kiss of suport i think. Anyway, at school today she was beign so close, but we both kinda understood what it meant so yeah

stace x

ok:

I am a little freaked out, i found this poem(below) In my cubard, but like, it was in an evelope *to twilight* and like i have cleared out my cubard loads of times and never seen it anyway nthis is the poem:

Life itself:

a new wind blows
commanding the sun to rise,
breathing life into a weried heart

a doubting soul looks up to the sky
that which before she had not seen
but which now sparkles with stardust and beauty and hope

The wind whispers a song of promises,
love strenght and journeys eternal.
Life itself was in you.

How far does this spring go?
how can winds revial be measured?
even in the darkness, the song reaches her.
and life is born again

Mum x

HELP i so want to understand, but i really dont get it, i dont no when it was written or anything.... argh i am so confused someone ehlp me read this?!

HEY!!

its me (well never) ok so today: urm, I got really anoyed with haz, cus i waited half an hour for her, and then she decides to go off with someone else. i was like GEEZ thanx!

Anyway we kinda r ok- i love her to death but, i get anoyed with her at times. ANYWAY, i finally finally spoke too rosie today (and helen and amy, but i talk to them often) about summit which was awsome. Very awsome indeed *winkity wink*

but yeah x

wow today iwas ahppy, i woke up and i felt like such a burden had been lifted the whole adam thang!!! It was so cool!

anyways...

i have an infected eye, its all gunky and yuck. Its ewww it looks ewwww it feels ewwwwww it is ewwwwww.

I spent sometime with cliff today, we spoke about last year- and why we broke up. He was being really snuggly, but hes always liekt ht hes such a good hugger. He was asking really perverse convos! But it was still fun, we were standing on benches in the park...because i am crazY!

BYEE X

Ok, i not been on again- the past few days have been crazy.


Adams dad went away this weekend which mean adam would be alone. So i dicided to spend the past few days there.

Beth got mega angry with me cus she said i spend all my time with him, or thinking bout him. And harriet was just in a weird mood. I get so fed up with her actually. I love her, but when me and her are being really *together* and huggy and talky nd lovey dovey in a freind way, beth just puts up with it. When beth and harriet r havin big discusions about german or summit, i just get on with it. But when me and beth r being really close and playing, and doing crazy stuff. Harriet sits there and either moans or refuses to join in and sulks. Then wen we wanna do summit she doesnt, sometimes u gota do stuff u mightnot like. She is being so moody and anoying i am siriously on my last tether with her. I love her to death but at the end of the day- it just gets me down when she refuses to participate, she basically stops me having fun. And always questions wat i do. ANYWAYS tht was a side track. I was meant to sleep at beths, so beth came too.

Beth and me went and adam was so in a state, i kinda cared for him, as beth decided she wanted to "meditate" in another room. He was kinda stoned/ and or pissed. And welll blood was kinda around. I cleaned him up, and he fell asleep in my arms n stuff, and it hurt so much, him being like tht. But yeah he had a few hours of sleep. Whilst i gave beth some attention, i wont go into it too much. But i love her, siriously- if i wasnt with adam.

anyway, adam woke up and got kinda violent, but not in a violent way, more in a shouty kinda way. he was being so mean to me. And beth just got really angry with him, and made him listen to how much he was hurting me, and he listened and kinda shut up. Beths so small but shes so loud lol.

anyway, that nite i kinda slept with adam (i mean with him as in not a rUDE WAY) and beth next to me. In the mornin adz was already up, so i went and joined him by the river, he was kinda carm. But kinda depressed and anoyed with me, and beth.

But god i cant be bothered to say the rest. But it was such a packed day- including hospital trips, and getting stoned.

Ok i think i have finally been pushed over the edge. Everything is on top of me now...

Adam just pushed me too far- i am fed up of his ways i just- what he just did was sick and cruel and i shouldnt be treated like tht.
And i just had an agrument, cus the dude off the forum always gets on at me and he chose the wrong time to critizise me i just got pushed ofver the edge i can only be wound so much i jsut snap and loose it, and now i am scared because i have to go and there is ntohing to stop me doing anything to myself no distractions,and my dads making me go upstairs but i dont wanna i wanna stay away. I wanna stop myself. i recovered from this ilness once, i really, i am sick again, in the mind i have to help myself... i cant chnage the world but i can chnage ME i am just as bad as adam. Ahh i have no will power, or watever ok bye

He he, me and keavy have just been having a giggle. I remeber when we were 6 or 7, and we used to pretend to be witches, and cast spells and stuff, and there was one point when we btoh wernt quite sure wether the other was one or not. You now how kids like invent stuff, well we both were lookin through a bx we berried a while ago- and it has this spell book and its SO CUTE. i dunno how we diecded we were...it wasnt like a relgion it was more alternitive to princess! I dunno why at all it started- might have been buffy being on or harry potter of summit hehe.

anyways tht was fun!

Today was goodish, kinda boring. Although i am worried to death over adam now- he is so low, he wont speak, eat or like move hes so bad its scary hes just argh. And i am weigh more worried thn i am about my girlfreinds cus hes like, hes stronger he can damge himself way more!

today i did gardening.

Part of our garden literally hasnt been touched since mum went. Its a pretty wild garden and thts how i like it. The front bits been kinda done, like they have proper beds and stuff, but dont have ANY plants in, so i put my planted seedlings wich r now rather big in, and some already gorwn plants and stuff. Then i checked tht the swing still worked at the back, and fixed the gate, and stuff. I gota lot work to do on it though.

stace x

omg i have SO much to say- first of all my net broke- well...we got it updated and stuff i dont no how long it will last for lol so i not been online.

so yeah- thursday nite i speant the whole time doing harriets preasent and i was so excited for her lol- i lover OTHER peoples birthdays. I went up to my room to find her card but i had lost it and like- i wrote it aggges ago, but i was so piised off and angry and anoyed- tht was a BAD nite.

Firiday was ded hot and we had fun in the sun (lol) beth made harriet like a big cake, and we eat it at lunch it was awsome and stuff it was really coool.

Ok friday nite i went out with haz and beth and we kinda u no what u do when u go out- just kinda had fun i suppose. I felt like a spoon though- cus i always dress up way more thn haz cus shes like more into idie hippy rocky lol. Like she dus where skirts but with trainers and t shirts out and dressy same thing.

Yeah so on saturday adam has kinda been quite depressed recently- i mean he was BEFORE the accident its even worse now. So i decided i would take him out to the vic, i mean- its not wheely chairyable but we kinda stood at the back, he was happy observing! and yeah tht was cool, then we went ALL the way bk i pushed him and we had pizza AND kerbabs on the jounry home it rocked *smiles* but it was kinda mor early event like i got home for 10.

SO yeah- saturday nite was really humid and i just dont sleep anymore anyways, so i opened my window and curtains and lay down lookin at the sky, at about midnite (1st may= but hey thts just raundum!!) there was a bit of a thunderstorm, i enjoyed it by myself for a while, watchin th elighting and the rain it kinda fell on my face but hey. And then elly came in cus she was scared and fell asleep with me, ditto with abbey! and yeah it was really cute.

THEN today i took down everyposter and painted my room, and stuff i bought some cool hangy thingys- like dream catchers and stuff ages and they look ded cool!

so yeah- thinks thts it? kinda very short breif i could have written this much on each event lol

cioa no wait i DO no how to spell it ciao coai ciao o whatever xx

Today was bad. Kinda.

How come everyday i post and its like- depreessed again, upset again in a mood AGAIAN

nothing i can say which isnt new.
Cliff was tesing me bad- he cant leave me alone, he went off on the SELF HARMER one todya, he doesnt think i do hes thinks its a joke, but i dont see how it is a joke. And anyways its not a joke hes true, so katehrine went off about how did he know, and then i was forced into a covno about it. Argh.

Oh and kateherine is so tackles,s my other feinds do no about it... but like... shes like HOWS UR WRIST so loud it s like .......katherine please... she hasnt said anything for a while- like loud, cus i dont exactly let anyone see lol.

gtg now take care x

WELL- not got long, decided i would update this.

Well.... i am hungry lol! I havent kinda eaten all day- i kinda skipped cu si was reeweeally busy, but its kinda good thing. I makes u feel good, but u no- i love food to much to stop eating all together

Oh yeah on monday i fink? My dad locked me in my rom 4 like 4 hours ish, and it was bad it was scary n stuff. He did tht thing where u put ur hand behind ur bk and forced me into my room.

i rang tah last nite and spoke for an hour and 30 minuets isg

ok gota no bye x

Well i just got back. It was cool i suppose...ok maybe it wasnt tht good.

Adam(my unccle) works full time in the T A army, dont ask me how it works lol. He was in the ta but then went full time army or summat. ANYWAYS, he was away making bridges so his wife was all moany and it had bene her brithday(40th!!) so we decided to go and stay with them and stuff. Amber seemed to love me it was well weird, she refused to be carried by anyone but me, and wouldnt let anyone else hold her hand or hug her or feed her or anything. ANYWAYS, we got a call saying adam was being taken to swansea, because he got injurded and couldnt cotninue, and everyone was really worried, cus like- they were usuing explosives. They dropped him off at the Local centre place. He had had tempory bandageing and stuff.

Anyways, we went on a family trip to the hospital, Bceuase jess really wanted to go too cus she was worried bout her dad, ruth HAD to go cus she had to drive and stuff, amber couldnt be left alone, and i no the hospital best!! LOL he he.

Anyways, he ripped off the bottom of his thumb, split right down is thumb and needed 30 stiches right down his hand too, his nail fallen off, and crushed his bone in his thumb and like hand. It was so exciting ha ha! I t wont stop bleeding its still on the NEW bandeges and stuff.

Anyways all tht was kinda exciting and stuff. But me jess and chris were mucking around with her camera, and she started re playing it- and it make me kinda freeze. Cus like my voice... omg its not wat i thought it sounded like its worse, it made me feel sick. Its all.....horrible and ahh i like started to nearly cry- it was horrible i am never tlking again *shuts up*

stace x

Harriet looked fucking AWSOME today, she was wearing this skirt from haze and like... shoes he he, and a t shirt and a scarfy thing and a randum hippy jewlery!!!!!

Like- she is so indi it rocked, i actually look good in my year now, like i am going round with indi kid and alternativ kid! Lol as to randum gothy/rocky/indieeee person lol ha ha! . We got 3 days off now! and i am going to be away all weekend guys *sniffs*

I am kinda in a good mood cus its sunny- bt i am litsening to depressing lyrics, in like...upbeat music?! Major song with minor lyrics lol....like careless! LIKE (but not) travis songs- why does it walywas rain on me...song like tht.

Hmmm.... I realised to day i have LOADS of scars on my arms, like..... not red scars, like old old old ones which r just white, then i realised tht like....they probably wont go away....!

I can get away with it, but if u look closly...then like... yeah! WELL i dunno harriet was tlking to me about them today lol, and she blind so.....ha ha Only kididng... shes not blind!!

anyways.... stace xx

one school uniform tommorow- yup facing all those shit problems and I DONT WANNA GO- people r gunna take the rip out of me whatever i do so i dunno. MAYBE i should make a statement and go in my uniforom the money doesnt go any where good anyway.


I went out last nite- as ya no! Then after i posted at like half 9, i went out again, to a party....Their was alacahol- And i drank it. Alot of it. I got bk pretty late, and kinda... i dunno i was miserable last nite- so u know what i do wen i am miserable...and badly.

stace x